It's been a month since my last life update post... time flies, and I feel like my life's been stuck on 'fast-forward'. It's been a 'testing' week for me. Lots of random thoughts for this post...
"I love that you want to see the best in people, but please be careful. Because sometimes seeing the best just means not seeing the truth." -Hart of Dixie (the only TV series I follow; thanks to DVR.)
I think that's me. I see the best in everyone (although it sounds good)...is it a personality flaw? Not sure...something to think about though.
Tuesday, May 1st... Ryan's 1st trip to the ER. 27.5 months old. Mommy & Ryan photo shoot, running, tripped then flew over a set of railroad tracks. Front left tooth plunged into inside of top lip and slightly all the way through his lip. He cried inconsolably for 30 minutes & as he cried, it bled. I was a basket case. (Keep in mind; I deal with 'sick/hurt children with neurotic parents' at work. However, this did NOT prevent me from becoming an anxious, worried, neurotic parent myself. When it's your baby; it's a completely different ballgame!) Made the decision that holding Ryan down for sutures would be more traumatic than the actual laceration. Luckily, it was on the inside of his mouth & the mouth heal quickly. Day 4; it's still swollen. My poor baby.
I had a single-parent mommy meltdown on Monday night. It's tough doing this parenting thing alone. I'll be the first to admit, I took for granted how much Jerad did help me out. Even the small, "Go play with Daddy while Mama _____." was helpful. (At the time, it didn't seem like he was doing enough...but looking back, he did. So ladies, when you see your husband, fiance, boyfriend...make sure you acknowledge their help today!) I now do everything... with Ryan not too far away. Not complaining; but it's different...
And Monday...well, Ryan and I were both having a bad day. He was fussy most of the day. We decided to go eat. He dropped everything under the table (which he HAD to go cave diving after)- as soon as the food arrived, he had to pee (which I think he just wants to get up from the table and see every public restroom)- go back to the table and our food was cold; of course- set him bedside me at the nice, hard wooden benches that Fat Boys has- as he sits down, he slams his back into the corner of the bench and starts screaming. I pick him up; set him in my lap- rocking, cuddling and 'shhh-ing' in his ear...& at that moment I wanted to cry. But I didn't...I was just overwhelmed and felt so alone. It wasn't until we were on the way home when Ryan said, "I've gotta pee pee."-- pulled over on the side of the road in a grove to find out that he'd already peed and soaked his entire car seat...that I laughed. ("Hold it baby" is NEVER an option for a newly-potty-trained toddler.)
Ryan is talking...up a storm (a phrase my Mama would say). I hear, "Mama, Mama, Mama.." before he tells me whatever he's got to say; at least 200 times a day. He can count to 10...but we're still working on colors. He knows exactly which shoe goes on which foot- which I find advanced for his age. I feel like my heart is out in the world, walking around outside of my body...and essentially it is.
Between work and Ryan- my social life is depleted. Yes, friends and family; I am alive and doing well :)
Next... a post about work.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Working on Whitney...
1. Talk Less. Listen More.
I'm a talker; so even though it's easier said than done...I'm learning- the more I listen...the better I am. It's almost becoming a 'tactic' for me. When listening to friends/family vent, for job negotiations, even in confrontation and drama---I'm going to focus on shutting my mouth and opening my ears!
2. Have More Teaching Time with Ryan
Even though my 12-hour shifts at work kill me...it gives me more 'day-time' with Ryan. I work 3 days and I'm home with my little man for 4. I'd like to focus on new, learning, hands-on crafts and/or activities to help expand his little brain! Now- we read, play and talk...but I'm ready to break out the finger paints!
3. Get To Know...Me (& find my self-esteem)
After being in a relationship for 7 years; it's easy to lose yourself. Not saying I changed... but suddenly the "where do you want to eat?" or "what do you want to do tonight?" abruptly became MY choice. I want to figure out exactly who I am- & I want to love myself. I am my biggest critic...and I want to work on that. I know I'm far from perfect...but I'm a good person, and I believe I deserve good.
4. Commit To The Gym
OMG! Am I the first woman that's ever set this goal? :) No further explanation needed.
5. Continue My Education.
There's one thing, that no one can threaten me with, take away from me, or hold over my head...and that's my education. It's so so so valuable to me. I have a few credits left; I really need to start taking a night class here and there.
6. Put My Toes In The Sand
I want to go to the beach every chance I get. The sound. The smell. The feel. It's the one place that I feel closest to my mom.
7. Continue Working On Our Home
It's not he biggest, nicest, most-expensive home...but it's ours! I wish I were more "handy-man-ish" because my home improvement list keeps on growing! I finally got my wooden laminate floors I've been wanting and new living room furniture! I love it...
8. Save More; Spend Less; Invest
The more you make. The more you spend. Fact. My solution is quiet simple (see above)...now I've just got to do it!
9. Eat Better
I eat like a 6-year old. Plain, very few vegetables and lots of JUNK! I at least want to TRY different things!
10. Facilitate Healthy Co-Parenting
God give me help and guidance on this one...may I always keep Ryan's best interest at heart. Nice words, no name calling, and trust...
11. ReInk
I regret my tattoos; yes, plural; there's 2. One's a 'tramp stamp'...a butterfly with tribal (yes; so original...I'm aware.) that I just HAD to have the DAY I turned 18. (Thanks Jess...what in the world were we thinking?..that's ok, yours followed 4 months later.) And then a breast cancer pink ribbon on my right foot. My 2nd choice showed much more thought & meaning... but at the end of the day, I'm sure my Mama wouldn't be pleased. Tattoo removal doesn't fit into my 10-year financial planning...so as ironic as this sounds; I really need them touched up! They're faded from sun and tanning beds; and I never applied sunscreen to them...so I'm ready for more color!
12. Read
I love to read; but never feel like I have the TIME; or when I do...I'd rather catch up on my ZzZzZs.
13. Work on an Awesome Playlist for my iPod
Music's always been my special "take me away"...the sound...the words.
14. Be a Better Friend
A downfall. I'm a selfish friend. I really am. The friends in my life have been SO good to me especially when I'm down. I've spent 7-years putting MY ALL into a relationship and unfortunately my friends took the back burner. You live. You learn.
15. Show Gratitude
Say 'thank you' more often. Even over the smallest gestures. My boss, Brittany showed me how important this is. Since I've started working in September, she's sent 3 cards...basically just saying "thanks" and how much she appreciates me. 2 minutes of her time plus one stamp; totally worth the end results. I want to make people feel like that- especially my friends and family.
16. Worry Less
If I can THINK it; I can WORRY about it. I'm tired of stressing over the small stuff. I want to be more laid back. I need to tell myself it's OK if all the laundry isn't done, or the dishes aren't washed, if the beds aren't made and the house isn't spotless... (I'm actually MUCH better at this than I was 6 months ago.)
17. Welcome Change
Not all change is bad; I want to accept it; and embrace it! I'm most comfortable in my 'norm' or 'what I'm used to' but that's not how my life is evolving at the moment.
18. Be Patient
"Good things come to those who wait." I am the WORST person when it comes to patience. It drives me crazy driving behind someone slow or waiting at the doctor's office. Even just trying to LIVE life; I find myself restless and eagerly waiting for my life to fall into place..you know..the way 'it's supposed to be'. I need to relax and just let it all happen.
19. Be More Timely
Ever heard the saying, "she's going to be late for her own funeral." ---well, yeah, that's probably me. I don't LIKE to be late and I don't MEAN to be late. I just am. Sometime I just hit the snooze one too many times while other mornings I'll wake up earlier just so I can piddle around the house more with dishes, laundry, etc. Work, appointments, family get-togethers...I'm late. :(
20. "Wherever you go, go with all of your heart."
Enough said.
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