So, I'm about to tackle the question that everyone's probably thinking...but not asking. "What's the deal with you and Jerad?" Am I right? Well...I must say, when a heart loves; it's easy to overlook logic. What's even harder...is when there's children involved. We'll get back to Jerad in a minute...
I feel that every friend, Facebook friend (we all know these aren't real friends), acquaintance, even those that I know, or know of...are
A. Married
B. Engaged
C. Pregnant
D. Some combination of those above.
Which, when you're going through the WORST break-up of your life... makes you want to crawl in a hole. I'm probably about to step on toes here...but here goes...I'm almost certain (another oxymoron) that 99.9% of others' 'life posts' to the public are very...'selective'.
Meaning... no one's life can be 'THAT' good, right? Or am I missing out? Of course, I don't expect to read; "We had to file bankruptcy today", "My husband's cheated on me.", "We haven't had sex in months", "We decided to stay together for the kids."...but geez. You're life can't be THAT perfect. But OK, I'll continue to read, and be slightly envious...although I know troubles exist.
So here goes...my life is FAR from perfect. I'm FAR from perfect; but I believe I'm a good person; and I'm grounded; I have good morals and values. And I am CERTAIN I want the BEST life possible for Ryan. He makes me whole. He gives me reason to live; to keep going; he's truly means EVERYTHING to me. If you're a parent, you understand. You never really KNOW how much your parents love you until you have a child of your own. (More on that later.)
Every girl dreams of that fairy tale; you know, the Prince Charming with a wonderful courtship, a magical wedding and then a family...one boy, one girl...perfect. I messed up- failed. So here I am...feeling a little down. (I think I could sell the "rights of my life", it'd make an incredible movie.)
So here's the vague rundown...met the love of my life in 2005, my Senior year in high school. I was young, in-love and warned by all to 'run the other way'. The next 7 years were spent together. Jerad became my best friend. There were ups and downs. The young-butterfly love grew...into a deep unconditional (slightly unhealthy) love. I KNEW we'd be together forever.
Along with Jerad, came Jaden, only 9 months old at the time, who received all the benefits of 'the firstborn'. I loved her like she was my own. (OK, I'm avoiding details because I refuse to cry today.)
OK. Here's the breakdown. Jerad cheated on me, and conceived another child. Since that time, Fall 2010, we've tried 3 times, to "make us work" to "hold it together". Not because it was easy, or logical, or that any other woman in their right mind would...but because I loved him; and he loved me (I thought). This isn't a 'let's bash Jerad' session...it is what it is. He made mistakes. I made mistakes. But I love(d) him, I'm not even sure if I should use that word in the 'past tense' yet...he left again, 11 days ago...and I'm doing my best to hold it together. Not only for myself, but for Ryan.
Heartache, is a physical symptom, I feel it; and it is a true ache. I feel so successful in every other area of my life; except when it comes to Jerad.
How is that so? Where do I go from here? What's next? What's best for Ryan? Is Ryan going to be OK? Will he be a different child being raised by a single mother? Will be he a better or worse? How will this affect him? How can I protect him? How, as a parent, do you know what's BEST for your child? I never, in a million years, thought I'd be raising my precious baby alone. You don't bring a child into the world, thinking that 'your other half' won't be there by your side, every step of the way.
I've always had this 'way about me'... that I could put on this "I'm strong, I can handle this"- attitude but I'm not feeling it so much now.
....to be continued
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