There's a lot swirling around; and I'm just thankful for my friends and family that are behind me and know who I really am. Even Jerad knows where I stand. There are only 2 in any relationship; whether it be father-daughter, husband-wife, mother-son, boyfriend-girlfriend, friend-friend... what counts is...what's between those bonds.
Enough at looking back; I'm ready to move on...and upward. Ryan's transforming into 'a little boy' right in front of my eyes. Each day he loses a little bit more of that "baby-ness". It's bittersweet. He's like a little clock; his day starts at 7:00 with his wake-up call, "MaaaMaaa" (Even though his crib is now a 'toddler bed') he still insists on me coming to him. This morning, I crawled back into bed with him...tried to snuggle, just started to close my eyes and "Up Mama"...and so our day began. We are 'full steam ahead' when it comes to potty-training...so when we're spending the mornings at home, it's easy to get dressed! Undies only!
(Here's Ryan with his morning snack...an hour after he ate 2 waffles! Breakfast time is his favorite.)
Got to visit with my long-lost, best friend, Jessica tonight. (I am so glad she's back home!) Ryan's got that shy personality around new people so I was anxious to see how he'd act. He was a little more quiet than usual, but was happy to "brag" by bringing me the magnetic letters on the fridge (to show Jess he KNEW his letters.) ... I meant to snap some pictures.
Ever since Ryan's turned 2 (January 20th) I've been "trying" to cut out his 'paci' use. It's my weakness, and his most prized possession. He ALWAYS has it at naptime and bedtime. Even though I still give them; I have long stopped buying them. Point of the story? We're out; we had 2, then one disappeared yesterday, and now the last, final paci went missing tonight. Ryan never gives me a hard time going to sleep; but tonight...oh boy! He never actually said or asked for his paci; but we BOTH knew it was missing! I remained strong and fought the urge to just put him in bed with me...we had 3 'tuck-ins' until finally...his battle with the sandman ended.
So, I'm about to tackle the question that everyone's probably thinking...but not asking. "What's the deal with you and Jerad?" Am I right? Well...I must say, when a heart loves; it's easy to overlook logic. What's even harder...is when there's children involved. We'll get back to Jerad in a minute...
I feel that every friend, Facebook friend (we all know these aren't real friends), acquaintance, even those that I know, or know of...are
A. Married
B. Engaged
C. Pregnant
D. Some combination of those above.
Which, when you're going through the WORST break-up of your life... makes you want to crawl in a hole. I'm probably about to step on toes here...but here goes...I'm almost certain (another oxymoron) that 99.9% of others' 'life posts' to the public are very...'selective'.
Meaning... no one's life can be 'THAT' good, right? Or am I missing out? Of course, I don't expect to read; "We had to file bankruptcy today", "My husband's cheated on me.", "We haven't had sex in months", "We decided to stay together for the kids."...but geez. You're life can't be THAT perfect. But OK, I'll continue to read, and be slightly envious...although I know troubles exist.
So here goes...my life is FAR from perfect. I'm FAR from perfect; but I believe I'm a good person; and I'm grounded; I have good morals and values. And I am CERTAIN I want the BEST life possible for Ryan. He makes me whole. He gives me reason to live; to keep going; he's truly means EVERYTHING to me. If you're a parent, you understand. You never really KNOW how much your parents love you until you have a child of your own. (More on that later.)
Every girl dreams of that fairy tale; you know, the Prince Charming with a wonderful courtship, a magical wedding and then a family...one boy, one girl...perfect. I messed up- failed. So here I am...feeling a little down. (I think I could sell the "rights of my life", it'd make an incredible movie.)
So here's the vague rundown...met the love of my life in 2005, my Senior year in high school. I was young, in-love and warned by all to 'run the other way'. The next 7 years were spent together. Jerad became my best friend. There were ups and downs. The young-butterfly love grew...into a deep unconditional (slightly unhealthy) love. I KNEW we'd be together forever.
Along with Jerad, came Jaden, only 9 months old at the time, who received all the benefits of 'the firstborn'. I loved her like she was my own. (OK, I'm avoiding details because I refuse to cry today.)
OK. Here's the breakdown. Jerad cheated on me, and conceived another child. Since that time, Fall 2010, we've tried 3 times, to "make us work" to "hold it together". Not because it was easy, or logical, or that any other woman in their right mind would...but because I loved him; and he loved me (I thought). This isn't a 'let's bash Jerad' session...it is what it is. He made mistakes. I made mistakes. But I love(d) him, I'm not even sure if I should use that word in the 'past tense' yet...he left again, 11 days ago...and I'm doing my best to hold it together. Not only for myself, but for Ryan.
Heartache, is a physical symptom, I feel it; and it is a true ache. I feel so successful in every other area of my life; except when it comes to Jerad.
How is that so? Where do I go from here? What's next? What's best for Ryan? Is Ryan going to be OK? Will he be a different child being raised by a single mother? Will be he a better or worse? How will this affect him? How can I protect him? How, as a parent, do you know what's BEST for your child? I never, in a million years, thought I'd be raising my precious baby alone. You don't bring a child into the world, thinking that 'your other half' won't be there by your side, every step of the way.
I've always had this 'way about me'... that I could put on this "I'm strong, I can handle this"- attitude but I'm not feeling it so much now.
....to be continued
This is not the first blog that I've attempted to start. When I opened my 'blog-spot' page; it was created in April 2010- there was a short, 5 sentence post about..."having 15 mins to write, to save my sanity, before Ryan woke up from his nap." ...he was 3 months old at that time. I was a frantic, stressed-out, new mom.
I feel like I've got a better hold on things now; so I hope this blog is a bit more successful. My writing isn't perfect; so if you're an English teacher reading this..."grin and bear it". (I use many (...) (;) (:) (!) (") (-) not in proper spots.)
I woke up this morning...wanting to start my blog again. Now, an hour into it; I have a plain layout and 2 paragraphs. "About Yourself"...really? I wasn't in the mood to type THAT today. Nor was I considering an inspirational title to my blog.
So..."Anticipating Serendipity" it is. Oxymorons have always intrigued me.
oxymoron: äksəˈmôrˌän/ noun: a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjuction. (yeah, yeah... like 'jumbo shrimp' and 'bitter sweet'...)
It may sound odd; but I feel as if MY LIFE, is an oxymoron. Does that even make sense? Ok, so now you go look up the definitions for 'anticipating' and 'serendipity'. I like it...so... it works for me! Now that all this useless information has established and time has been wasted...time to let my life unfold!
